Me, The Torchbearer

Allow me to be raw for a little while. 

Allow me to wander through some thoughts on paper.

Allow me to navigate some inner demons through the keyboard strokes my fingers hammer down. 

Allow me to resolve some demons publicly, and try to push them back into the darkness. 

Allow me to present an idea that may spark some ideas, opinions, and thoughts in you. 

I love music.

I love music because I am one of those individuals that get goose bumps when the right chord has been struck.

I love music for the message it brings through interpretive lyrics.

I love music for the fact that I cannot create music; so there is a huge respect for those that can. 

All of that, to just say “have you heard of Twenty-One Pilots?”. Unless you live under a rock, or in a distant land, you may not have heard of this duo before. “Yes”, I get it, “aren’t they pop music?”

Maybe? Maybe not…

“Aren’t they like some weird alternative band?” 

Maybe? Maybe not…

“Aren’t they the band that wears masks?”

Sometimes? Sometimes not…

So who are they? I am not going to talk about “who” they are, or even dive deep into their lyrics. I am not going to dive into their personal lives, or even what genre they fit into. What I want to talk about is the lore they built. How that lore speaks to me, and what it means for me moving forward. 

The lore of Dema, Clancy, the Torchbearers, the Bishops, the Clique, and the significance of mental health is something that everyone should learn, explore, and apply to their own lives. Let me tell you how I am going to apply it to my life. 

I am a torchbearer. I see it now. I see it from my own life with my own family. I see it in how I listen to clients. I see it in how music can touch me to tears from a simple lyric in one single song. I see it in the way I was brought up. I see it in how even in my early years, I felt a calling, an inner voice, or whatever you want to call it.

Here is the best part, I am also Clancy. Let me dive into some details about how I feel toward being both. 

“Hey, what the hell is a torchbearer?”

Twenty-One Pilots has created a story driven around the mental health and struggles that we deal with minute by minute, each and every day. Clancy is the storyteller that is trapped in Dema. Dema is the place the Bishops rule to create false realities and perceptions to keep Clancy trapped in his own insecurities and struggles. Don’t quit on me yet, it gets deeper. Yet, it is very simple. Think ACOTAR, but in music, and without bat wings and sex. Torchbearers are the ones that hold “the guiding light” and are able to free Clancy from Dema. Simple, right? Bad people tell you that you suck, some good people are there to tell you that you do not suck.

Honestly, it is way deeper. Let’s keep it simple for now. Leave out Tyler and Josh (Twenty-One Pilots duo), and let’s focus on our own lives. A torchbearer is someone that is able to assist, help, or provide some clarity and hope in a world where Clancy may not be able to see it. A torchbearer is a metaphor for something of a “role model”, a “life coach”, or just a “true friend”. But, it is not even that simple, or that “cliché”. 

“So wait, if a torchbearer is a good guy, is Clancy bad?” No. Again, not that simple, but let’s keep it in terms that work for now. 

Clancy is someone that may be struggling. Clancy also has different levels of struggles. Each day can be different, and each day can be better or worse than the other. Clancy is aware of this, and being aware makes it possible for them to break free. 

Where the lore just came to a head, is with City Walls, the new song off of ‘Breach’, their new album. This has been a story they have been crafting for almost ten years. This is where I realized that I am a torchbearer. This is where I realized that part of my family are “Clancies”. This is where I realized what I need to do moving forward. 

Reminder, I love music. I love reading into the lyrics, the sounds, the beats, the music videos, and the message. 

A quick recap for City Walls. Spoiler warning: Clancy becomes a Bishop………

WTF. Right? 

Yep, Clancy fell into becoming a Bishop to rule over his own Dema. He fell into the darkness, and the torchbearers were not able to get to him in time. 

“So now Clancy is just mental now?”. No. 

There is now a new manifestation of Clancy. Somewhere else, somewhere struggling, somewhere needing a torchbearer to find them. 

“So Clancy is just a reincarnation?” No. Hold onto me here. It is now getting to be not as simple as I said. 

Clancy is an existence of mental health. Different levels, different capacities, different aspects of losing faith, creativity, personal belief in yourself, and not being able to pull yourself out of Dema (the trap of mental health). Dema is just the place that is there when you slip into that. Sometimes we stay longer, sometimes we get out quickly, and sometimes we are in control of it. 

“So what about a torchbearer?” Hang on.

Since we all struggle with dark thoughts, emotional moments, and the need for help, it can shadow over us. It darkens our inner thoughts, and it keeps us in a fog. 

“Now the torchbearers?” Yep. Here we go.

Torchbearers are the ones that guide us with light. They show the way to get out of the darkness. They show us the way we can escape from Dema. They are also able to break down the walls of Dema and fight for us, maybe when Clancy can’t. 

“So they do not struggle with mental health issues?” Nope. Everyone does. Even the torchbearers. Back to the idea of levels. Everyone has different levels, and here is the best part…. Ready for it…

A Clancy can be a torchbearer for someone else. A torchbearer may even be a Clancy sometimes.  Confused yet? Bear with me just a little longer. 

Sometimes in life we are all Clancy. Down, desperate, needing a light to bring us back into emotional and mental freedom. That is okay. That is part of this thing we call “life”. That is part of what makes us human and gives us humanity. Sometimes we are all Clancy cloaked in the Bishop’s robe, and feel like we can never escape, because we have given into the power of our own struggles.

However, sometimes we are the torchbearer holding a flame for others to see and become a beacon of hope, a beacon of where we can be, and a beacon of who we can become. A lot of times, they are the Clancies that have escaped. Grouping together to be an army to fight the monsters that are holding in Clancy. 

This is always an evolution of ourselves. It is not a linear timeline in the universe, and it is not a plotted place on a map. It is circular, and always turning, dependent on the time of life we are in. Now, onto myself. Why does all of this stuff I have said matter?

I am choosing to move forward in my life as a torchbearer. A person that holds a torch up high for others. A person that will be on the lookout for Clancy, and fight to help them escape the hold Dema has on them. I want to live my life with yellow tape strung across my chest loud and proud (this is where you can reference videos and songs). I want to reconcile my own Bishops (demons), so I can be clear for others and let my light shine as big as a bonfire on an SEC weekend. (Little joke there)

“So…what? WTF are you talking about” Here we go.

In my own life, I have fought back depression. Not as visible as others, and not always public, even to my family. But I have had some issues with lack of creativity. Lack of purpose. Lack of drive. Issues with self-doubt about being a father, a husband, a friend, a brother, a son. Self-confidence to feel like I am good enough to be loved, to be desired, to be heard. I struggle all the time. I have been able to pull myself back out, and often never recognized the torchbearer in the distance that was guiding me out. 

Whether it was the love my wife has shown me by the way her eyes look at me, or the way my children hug me tight. Maybe it was the way my grandfather would scold me and hold me accountable to the actions I chose. Maybe it was the friend that sent a text message out of nowhere to remind me that they were thinking about me. Maybe it was the laugh I heard in the restaurant that made me smile from a distance. Maybe it is the way my mom still calls me by my middle name, even though I have gone by my first name for thirty years. Maybe the torchbearer is listening to a song and getting those goosebumps. Maybe the torchbearer is the movie I watched and tried to hold that tear back. Maybe….

“Okay, cool story bro, but what does that mean now?”

Now, today, tomorrow, and hopefully in the future, I want to be a present torchbearer. I want to be a beacon in the fog for anyone that needs help. I want to find more torchbearers to form an army to help free Clancy. I want to send that text to a friend. I want to tell the people around me I love them. I want to strive for more empathy and find that empathy I had when I was younger. I want to share my own struggles so if someone is experiencing the same thing, then I can be the light for them to see it is possible to break down the city walls. I want to hug people tighter. I want to help people find their purpose. I want to not fly off the handle for the smallest thing. I want to be a better husband, a better father, a better son, a better brother, and a better friend. I want to be a smile when you need it. I want to be the joke that makes you laugh. 

I want to break the circle of Clancy.

“Again, cool story bro, but didn’t you just say we are all Clancy?” Yep. I did. 

Just because I want to break the circle of Clancy does not mean that I may not keep turning sometimes. I will continue to work on myself. I will still struggle with fighting the Bishops. I will still lose my faith or have my own self-doubts. I will still be in need of a torchbearer. 

However, right now, I have broken free from Dema. So think of it as an obligation, to pick up the torch, navigate through the trench, and seek out Clancy. I may not find Clancy tomorrow, next week, or even next year, but as long as I keep my torch lit, Clancy will see it. 

With all this written, my torch is lit. If you need to talk, you need to just say “hi”, or you need to just nod that you see the light. I am your torchbearer. When my flame goes out, I will look for you. I will find the light.

Thanks, Twenty One Pilots. Thanks for giving me the fuel to light my own torch.